and i thought ive left all my angst and rile against the world behind me.
apparently ive forgotten abt their echoes.
and today was the strongest ive felt of its comeback yet.
my mood deteriorated throughout the entire day.
came to sch, quite delighted and cheerful.
and all these pulled down, by earthly weights.
concerns that did not belong to me.
please, take them back
all your schemes dipped sugary sweet in high pitched laughter.
this was not what i wanted.
go. away, and return me my rainbow bubble.
all that bleeding from dagger looks shot across the classroom.

i wish to be clairvoyant.
never quite managed listening to my heart in expressions of black and white.
and its not the same attempting to catch up on lost time
i cant be like you, never will be.
my ink bottle isnt spilled all over these blank parchments
not blotted uniquely creative. random like yours.
give me time.
im slowly progressing. from scrawly penmanship,
trying my hand at doodling.
so give me time.
stop telling me that rationality disowns me.
we've already breached that agreement to stay sane.

so at the end of the day, a weary smile
for it matters not, anymore. what others think of you
let them think, let them guess, let them bitch.
what matters
is my able to stand up and walk away unaffected.
had a damn long talk with lev.
love, rlnships, frens. and the superficial.
i like just sitting down and talk with people abt such things.
in that way i know you better, serves for better ties.

so goodnite world.
slip into oblivion.

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

home- michael buble
i dont know how to describe the feelings when i listen to it.
it reminds me so much
of jooxiang
of xinhui...
of aunt elle being overseas...
it makes me miss them so much.

long talk on the superficial
and she tears
where it strikes a chord
time to move on girl
he has, so must you
not every confidant is a secret keeper
choose, wisely

it was a good chat today
plus points in overshadowing disappointments
came home late enough to miss bowling and paintball
settling for kayaking
sorry bid to comfort myself

and how i wish i could talk to you
as in, really talk
and not just surfacial hi-byes
because i know that you think more than you speak

and how we were saying
it was all a waste of emotions and hopes
delving into things too fast
you stagnate sooner or later
i saw it coming all along
i knew the end before the start
im sorry. youve gotta face facts...

so here i am
keeping all the letters i wrote to you
in this faded blue envelope
let me go home,
if i have a home other than this
ive gone so far, so tired
and it feels like im living someone else's life
its so weirdly foreign
surrounded by a million people,
yet i feel so alone.
let me go home...

thank God im recovering.
pls lord let me sing.

aniwae. i really thought hard abt wad pastor said yest.
its so true isnt it... :X
how we have double standards...

Funny how 50 bucks never seems enough at the mall, yet is hard to part with at the church’s offering box.

Funny how 1 hour never seems enough for watching TV or playing computer games, but is never-ending during a sermon.

Funny how no one complains when football goes into overtime, but grumbles if the preacher spoke for another 10 min.

Funny how we provide time for countless activities at a moment’s notice, but never have time for the weekly prayer meetings.

Funny how we can wake up early just to watch our favourite team play a match, but never be on time for Sunday morning service.

and the irony is that, ITS NOT FUNNY.
its not funny at all, more like a pity, or appalling fact...
food for thought..

aniwae. im praying for better time management.
mine sucks currently.
oh and im obsessed with the song What If.
i so need an ipod soon to cater to my auditory appetite. :)

24 hours are insufficient.
i have so many things to do.
SO MANY things.
3 math tut. 1 chem tut. 1 econs tut.
gp, art, pw.
damn...

aniwae.
im glad we won jj in tennis today!
went to watch with jan and mingxiu.
much to the delight of biondi.
hurhurhur.
aniwae... thanks alvin for coming down!
hahaha. keev found it weird that you supported hc team! lol.
yay... it was quite a good day overall...

tml we have choir at tjc.
which translate into waking up at 7 to make my way down to bedok by 8.
if it isnt sheer madness, redefine it for me.

econs was so-so.
chem is next.
sigh... im seriously falling sick la.
downed so many strepsils...
pls God, dont let me fall sick!
SYF is in 2 weeks...

hmmm... schs just a blur nowadays.
i drift thru all the lessons.
or maybe i feel this way cos i missed the whole of monday and tuesday.
cos of choir full dress, and art interview.
i hope de interview went alright...
aniwae.
ive fallen in love with a song.
splender's i think God can explain.
its so nice...
sigh. must mug my chem test! tata~

choir full dress rehearsal today!
yay.
it was good/ fun.
i think...
hurhur. with comp coming up in 2 weeks, we'd better be ready.
:X
eeps.
so many things to do, so many tests to take!
tml got AEP interview...
hai...
lemme brainstorm potential qns:

1. Why do you want the scholarship?
- i think itd facilitate my pursuit of art and gives me financial support, an incentive to strive to work even harder.
- i hope the scholarship will fund me in my quest to broaden my horizons, to think and develop ideas more creatively.

2. Talk about one of your works.
- use choir tee, talk about why i did it, my rationale for the design and captions.
- link my passions with each other! :D

3. wad you think you ahve that others dont?
- i think im very sensitive to social issues and im a very reflective person, so it diffuses into my work.
- i think im very perceptive, and i can see things from a different angle and point of view.
- i like to think out of the box, find ways to innovate even when doing ordinary things, like doing a report, i would try to present it in an interesting way, like stimulating a newspaper or smthg.

sigh.
pray that God is with me that id say the right things etc... yups.

just came home from church's 50th anniversary dinner.
quite fun haha.
but also meant that my entire weekend was gone.
no studying done at all, cos sat i had choir from 9-4.30, church from 6.30-10
so yea.
so dead!!!!
hai.
i really really must mug for my 3 tests dis week!!!!
sighs.
oh well.. so much to do... :X
my self discipline rating was de lowest in de personality test i did. :X
how true...

chongsheng succeeded in making me feel depressed...
HC seem to suck so bad now...
we lost waterpolo to ACJC.
we lost tennis match to Mj ( i hope you cheer up terence... :X)
we lost cross country...

why are we so lousy?
:X
i think its smthg to do with the sch system, partly.
how they dont put in an effort to keep sports- inclined students...
i dont approve of RJ's underhanded means to get students of cos...
knocking on their doors and all...
using these students as scapegoats just to win medals..
and not bothering abt their academic side...

i think , somehow,
HC has more control abt the academic part...
but somehow its wrong also...
and thus everyone's crossing over to RJ...
so ya... i dunno. :X

sigh...
we lost de tennis matches to Meridien...
i heard from keev.
so sad... :X
nvm. can win them again wan!
jiayou people!
:(:(

oh well.
life's like that i guess...
im dying le.
really dying.
3 tests next week: econs, chem, gp.
and my whole sat will be spent in sch singing...
sunday got anniversary dinner.
i wish i din have to go...
:X
den have more time to study..
dis time must really depend on God le!!!!!
:x... so dead man...
oh lord pls gimme strength to carry on...

woots!
few great things happened today!
1. my GP compre topped de class!
i got 34/50...
it was de Acjc prelims A compre paper...
so ya. Thank God for his guidance!
couldnt have done it w/o him...

2. yi hui brought me to the drum room!
woots.
had great fun learning new beats... fillers and just drumming.
felt so good... ahhaha.
yay. thank god for such a nice senior...

aniwae... xinhui...
i wish i could call you on de fone and talk..
i really do... sigh.
miss the times man..
if you wanna talk to me abt anything at all...
work... people... complain to me abt stuff... im here.
love you loads...!

and xuan. how can i not miss you?
haha. my darling lovable and qian bian sista!
i shall call you up and talk soon!
nowadays very busy..
haha
sorry dear. take care!

syf in 2 weeks.
jiayou everyone.
we'll get there...!!!!
<33333

gosh. i havent blogged for AGES.
ahhaha.
well... i really thank God for seeing me thru the past week!
i realised i kept finding different small things that i can thank God for!
His kindness in small things like me catching my bus to get to sch on time... and His guidance in work etc...
Thank God!! im very happy these few days... since friday!
yay!

i had my napfa. got a gold! yay! hahaha.
Thank God! and uh... my muscles are aching terribly... it isnt helping to have choir for 5 solid hours... hahah. but its ok!
we did great and i loved it... :D

lotsa work to do, suddenly.
im feeling the stress now... :X
but i shall look to God for guidance! yay!

she's flattered.
who wont be?
but leave it that way...
cos nothing can come out of this boy.
the liking isnt enough for her to accept you... and id hate to tell it to your face that its a hopeless case.

i love drums, being able to drum, create beats.
left me still feeling fresh at end of band prac at 11 last night...
it gives me a sense of exhilaration quite different, intoxicating like pot, maybe.
thats why im determined to learn the tricks from yi hwee.
pls god, i need more than 24 hours a day.
its not enough for me... ( then again He's teaching me time management).

today i wasnt pleased being grilled by felyna for being late for choir...
and im touched my fellow j1s like guo wei, kenny and dora stood on my side.
but well, fel apologised jsut now, so im cool now.
cos my reason's actually VALID... hurhur.
fancy asking me whether my reason was valid anot in front of everyone... and i was thinking " wth? wad kinda qn is this?" so i said i dont know. hurhur.
ah well.
went for lunch with fellow j1s...

i miss val.
miss being able to talk to her without any interuptions.
shall find one day just going for lunch with HER alone...
ive got cards to write to pple. :X
shall go do it soon.

today was such a slack day.
sch had council elections... so half de day's off.
in de end i like came to sch for maths lect only la! hurhur.
den elections were at the canteen and off ALL THE DAYS today had to be windless.
it totally sucked la... so stuffy. hahaha.
den terence and yuzhong and jan and mingxiu and yutian got bored and started playing Truth or Dare.
hurhur. i refuse to participate in brainless ( secrets-divulging) games. lol.

kenny has poisoned me. with high order plots and murder of a different sort.
Deathnote's so addictively TWISTED and information overload.
its freaking me out to know how the story goes... and grips with morbid fascination as the death toll grows.

was so tired today at band...
hahaha. i was so happy ( i think) when CB said he tot it was jolyne at the drums when i was messing arnd.
in fact, it kinda makes me wanna learn drums PROPERLY...
yi hwee is supposed to teach me! but he said go on sat...
and sat i have choir.. so sad.
but nvm... im sure will have chances.. ahaha.

oh and dezhang. its amazing isnt it? after 16-17 years... the little girl in the picture can still be every bit as adorable and cute as she is today. ahhahaha. send me that pic of me and liong and zhong k. :P

you dont know how hard it is for me, daily.
to wake up, force myself to smile at the wreck in the mirror.
to convincer her, coerce even, of positivity
for she knows herself how her mood can affect others at sch, at cca.
sometimes.
and sometimes, she's just so tired of trying.
of being cheery, crazy, for others.
sadness is a permanent guest in the attic of my heart.
you dont see him, cos usually i lock him in.
but sometimes, cant you hear him singing softly to himself?
or pounding on the door and throwing tantrums.

and these days im shit scared.
wad with SYF in a month's time ( or less) i dont know.
i have no idea wad to do... the state we are now.
oh lord pls, really pls, help us.

there arent many people i can really talk to nowadays.
i really miss xinhui so much.
cos when you're in diff countries... everything seems so... far away and distant?
the feeling's not the same...
and i cant tell you abt everything and anything anymore, simply cos i cant POINT it out to you or smthg...
i miss being able to tell you so many things... complaining about sch and how i feel...
sigh. and then i dunno. im really busy and val's seldom online... so i cant really talk to her anymore. it gets me so sad sometimes...
i cant hold a real conversation anymore, that goes beneath the surface.
some pple came close to that i guess... but i havent been able to talk to them long enough, or know them long enough to say more.
sigh. i hope there'll be someone whom i can TALK talk to.
what's wrong with disagreeing? if you always agree its pretty boring.
tell me your point of view. im anti monosyllabic.
but more importantly dont do my thinking for me.

intoxicated, by adrenaline.
the same familiar rush of exhilaration
when you're 20 feet floating on a cloud
oh, dont add weight to my lead feet
up in the air, and dreaming
wonderfully free at 9G
left my brown locks 6 inches
scattered on the ground
what happened if i hung in mid-air and never came down
the thought of it freaks me
im pro status quo, happy, blissfully so.
i wish, id not wake up
but in sleep grows tomorrow
and thus the cycle of 24 hours come again

emmett: " i dreamt last night that i couldnt fall asleep"
how amusingly ODD.

where has dezhang gone?
eh... gimme your link lehhhh. :X

aniwae. today was not bad. hehe.
went to sch and many pple were like WHOA. hahaa.
how fun... :D
i like surprising pple! hahaha.
yea. and i did my GP makeup! im so proud of me... hahaha.
but stupid jason and alvin came to disturb us IN THE STAFF ROOM LA!
but ok. they left after a while.. a long while. hurhur.
yay. i cant wait for de malaysian trip. hehehe.

hmmm.
i had a good day yesterday.
went to sch... de presentation for our AEP went great. ahhaha.
yay. im quite happy.
but the court shoes SUCK. so tight.. ahahha. but thanks a million to lovely seb who went thru all that trouble borrowing for me!<3!
hmmm. terence came to sch for cca and freeloaded MAJORLY on the food.
lol. but he's forgiven since i now know how to tie a tie. >.<"
after that choir pple went out for lunch! hahaha.
yay... but as usual... the altos are MIA. only sops there with the guys...
haahha. but we had a fun time lol. eating tze char at Beauty World.
but everytime i attempted to speak chinese they all laughed at me! hmph.
i can jiang3 hua2 yu3 well ok! :S
hahaha. but yea. lunch kinda made my day. lol...